Wading Streams

I’d be a liar if I told you that one day it stopped: the familiar stream of thoughts and opinions which flows through the lobes of my brain. The ideas which blur the lines between healthy and hazardous, sending me flailing blindly for answers and solutions to quell my uneasy mind.

Those, well those never stopped.

However, a year ago next month marks the beginning of my attempts to silence those intrusive thoughts. Next month marks a year since I began treatment.

Next month marks a year since I began developing methods to mute those thoughts with clear and helpful beliefs of my own.

Next month marks a year since I began to recognize the difference between what I “should” do and what I “can” do.

Next month doesn’t mark my coming back to reality, but finding a new one.

As I said before, it never stopped; I’ve just gotten better with my responses toward thoughts which encourage negative behaviors. These responses aren’t bulletproof, however.

They falter.

Within the past few months, I weighed myself. I didn’t think it was a bad idea, I was sure that mentally, I was prepared. My life was so lovely that regardless of the number, I was comfortable.

I was wrong.

My mental barricades faltered and my recovery troops fell. Since then, I’ve had some difficulty with thoughts of body image and old behaviors. Let me just say that regardless of whether or not you’ve been in treatment for an eating disorder, it’s borderline impossible to be comfortable gaining weight when everywhere you turn, the world commands you to do otherwise.

I’ve picked up most of the pieces of my rational mind since with the assistance of my counselor, my loving friends and family, and my wonderful boyfriend, however, there are a few shards which remain astray.

If you wonder what a bad day in eating disorder recovery feels like, imagine yourself running from an erupted volcano; ash is flying around and your feet are the only thing carrying you.

Then your shoelaces vanish. Your stride becomes uncertain and unfamiliar and helplessness threatens to swallow you. At last, you step foot on the shore, abandon your shoes, and swim away.

The volcano is the disorder.
The shoelaces are the issue with body/food/etc.
The water is the support system.

Though it hasn’t stopped, the stream of intrusive thoughts has become shallow enough to wade across; the current weak and the waves calm.

Sometimes life gets seemingly unbearable, but with help it transforms into something extraordinarily serene. The journey between the two stages is where the growth takes place; where one can harvest wisdom.

Please don’t ever gather the impression that my posts are merely directed at people with eating disorders. My goal is to make anyone who’s struggling recognize that the struggle is just a footnote in a life unwritten.

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11 comments

  1. Brooke · June 12, 2013

    Hello there! I have recently come across your blog and I just wanted to thank you. You are so beautiful and the way you freely express yourself is so inspiring. While I struggle with other disorders, such as suicide and self inflicting pain, the way you are so open encourages me to be open. It is so wonderful to see people in this world that struggle and are open about it. I believe we are all making a better and healthier world when we are real with one another and encourage. Thank you and you are so beautiful not only in looks but also your heart! -Brooke πŸ™‚

    • BlissBranch · June 12, 2013

      Thank you so much, Brooke! I know that for me, being open took a very long time and it has only brought me more help and support than I could ever dream 😊

  2. attemptsatprogress · June 12, 2013

    Such an insightful and beautifully phrased post. Your progress since treatment is simply brilliant and I hope to regain some of the motivation for recovery that you so obviously exude. Your peace with life is incredible. Looking forward to hearing more from you!

    • BlissBranch · June 12, 2013

      If you have any personal questions about recovery you can always email me! Things still get rocky and numbers still mess with me, but knowing and trusting my body is #1!

  3. Emily · December 8, 2013

    Wow I met you at the Pittsburgh show tonight and you mentioned your blog. I had no idea you wrote but now I do and I won’t forget it! Very eloquent! I never would have guessed you felt any negative feelings ever you’re so friendly and you elude confidence. I hope everything in your future is great for you always and you have now gained one more follower! πŸ™‚

    • BlissBranch · December 8, 2013

      You’re such a sweetie! I loved meeting you tonight and I’m so happy you decided to tune in πŸ™‚

  4. Simone Longe · December 24, 2013

    I just came across your blog tonight and just wanted to let you know what an incredible writer you are. I don’t usually consciously think about that sort of thing, but your posts are beautifully written. Stay strong, lovely!! ❀

  5. Charlotte · March 11, 2014

    Hi there, tbh I started following you on Instagram because I saw you featured in a bunch of Sherri’s photos and I just love her and her music. I noticed you had a blog and decided to check it out and it think it’s great that you’re writing about your personal struggle because it shows others (like myself) who have been where you were and are that there are other people out there who understand and that recovery is always an option

    • BlissBranch · May 7, 2014

      Thank you so much for sharing your support! It means so much, and Sherri’s so cute, I’m so glad you found me from her :)!

  6. Taylor · May 6, 2014

    Hi there! I love your writing about intrusive thoughts… Good metaphors! I had an eating disorder about 6 years ago and thankfully am healthy now, but I think it was a way for me to not deal with my anxiety. Which-surprise- I’m dealing with now. But yeah, I’m learning to quiet those intrusive thoughts- give ’em an inch and they’ll take a mile! I’m rooting for you in your recovery!

    • BlissBranch · May 7, 2014

      Ughhh intrusive thoughts! I’m so glad you’ve stepped into the physically healthy side of life, wherein your body is happy but you’re not! Girl, I get you! And it’s hard to say “not happy”….it’s more like regardless of your happiness, you’re stressed the heck out about everything. And Amen to not giving them the power! They are a terrible snowball at the best of times, not to mention a nightmare at the worst. You’re incredible, thank you for commenting! (Especially on this post, I think I needed to reread this one because I’m facing similar issues again :P)!

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