20131203-222312.jpg

I need to get better at this. I mean c’mon. You know what I mean. When your I’ll-write-more-once-I-have-a-day-off excuse loses it’s meaning and you’re ideal writing situation criteria gradually becomes increasingly too specific: “I’ll write more when I’m completely free, it’s raining outside, no one needs me for anything, I’ve eaten lunch, I have coffee, my room is clean, my bed is made, and pigs are flying, etc…”

There’s really no special topic. I’m still leading a life wherein I’m surrounded by people I love and admire yet I’m constantly scrambling to remain calm and not forfeit my sanity to the inner control freak which harbors within every thought I have. It’s rather comical, actually. If Collin wasn’t so exquisitely level-headed, I probably would’ve wound up in a fetal position with the anxiety-ridden thoughts of a pseudo-hypochondriac.

I know about 99% of my fears are irrational and therefore I know that a slight back cramp is most likely not a kidney infection, an itchy throat isn’t bronchitis, a gas bubble isn’t food poisoning, etc.. I know my mind prefers to run wild and reckless rather than hang loose with rationality, but most times there’s a very narrow window wherein I can prune the thoughts when they begin to grow. It’s almost as if during treatment all my health scares made me want to do everything and anything to take care of myself.

How do I get past it?

So I guess I can scream and cry and flip out all I want but it won’t change the fact that I have a cold or a headache or anything of the sort. I just have to trust that if I do all I can do in any situation, I can’t control anything else.

Then I move on and get over it.

Do you have similar struggles? Need any advice?

Comment or message me! πŸ™‚

Advertisements

19 comments

  1. Laila · December 4, 2013

    Hey! I am in a similar situation: I have a loving supportive boyfriend and struggle with my thoughts. I have bpd so I struggle a lot with the fact that my thoughts aren’t true – even if they feel that way. I just wanted to say you’re not alone! I sometimes feel that my boyfriend is so level headed and I’m not, so that must mean I just don’t have it together at all! Thanks for posting this, I just wanted you to know that it hit home for me. Happy travels!

    • BlissBranch · December 4, 2013

      Laila, it’s so funny we have similar stories, and I’m glad we both have the calm support we need in our lives. Thank you for sharing :)!

  2. Sam · December 4, 2013

    I feel this way every single day and almost every second of the day. It lead me to once leave a job that I absolutely adored because of all the anxiety and stress that came along with it at times. Sometimes I feel like I cannot breathe and that these thoughts will never go away…that I will have to feel this way forever.

    • BlissBranch · December 4, 2013

      Sam, sometimes I feel like it may never go away, but other times I forget I even struggle! Trust me, things get easier and you will come to terms with your anxiety :). Just breathe and practice thinking about how healthy and happy your life is. Hope I can help!

  3. nic · December 4, 2013

    I love your blog. You put together your thoughts in such a beautiful, articulate, eloquent yet completely understandable way. I wait for your posts. I’ve had an ED (among other various and sundrie emotional and psychological issues. Go me….not). Ive been afflicted by this one particular monster since I was 8 years old. I recently had a beautiful baby girl. She is six months and the most magical creature I’ve ever beheld. She is six months. And while on one hand I do not miss pregnancy because it was so hard physically. I miss that little angel . I kept her entirety safe for nine months and in return during those nine months she guarded my heart and mind. It was as if the eating disorder never existed. But that silent beast is no longer silent. Its slithered back. Tightening its grip on my every move and thought. I’ve got so much going on . I’m a newly wed, a new mom ans finishing my masters. From the outside my veneer shines bright and makes it seem that I’ve got it all together. But the cracks in my walls are not letting light shine in. I’m rambling….I’m not sure why I’m saying this all. Maybe it will prove cathartic. Or maybe I’d like one person to “get it”. Or maybe the veil of the internet gives me enough privacy to let things out. Anyway. Your story about your journey into recovery is beautiful. I realize recovery is never an endpoint. It is just another path that does not end. I hope to want to get there one day. I hope. ..sorry for my incoherent word vomiting. You are lovely .

    • BlissBranch · December 4, 2013

      Nic, I completely understand and you are NOT rambling. I appreciate you telling me about your struggle and of course it sounds very familiar. I know what it’s like to have everything you want and need and have disordered thoughts creep in and try to rob your joy. And yes, you’re right, recovery is a constant process, but it doesn’t mean life has to suffer in the meantime! Honestly, probably the best living I’ve ever done has been in the past two years! Obviously you understand, being newlywed and having a sweet angel. Congratulations on your beautiful life, and keep remembering how important you are to this life and the people in it!

      • nic · December 5, 2013

        Is just odd how I can seperate aspects of my life in my head and often in action. Do you find that you do that? It’s like. ..I can be with my daughter and I’m a different person. But when I’m not on active mommy I’m another person. Not so much that I think those thoughts. But I feel like my ability to compartmentalize sometimes helps me convince myself there is not a problem. Its like I can turn down the volume but not the effect. But its a slippery slope because such a problem with an ED is denial. Idk

  4. rachemsmith · December 4, 2013

    I get where you’re coming from. I’m currently off my meds and trying to get a grip on things is so difficult and my head is always jumping from one outrageous thing to another, I’m also kind of a hypochondriac myself due being sick for all of high school so if I cough I automatically think it’s something terrible that will put me down for a long time and it terrifies me.. Anyway, good luck handling things; I think you’re a lovely person and I hope things continuously go well for you!

    • BlissBranch · December 4, 2013

      Rachel, thank you so much for sharing! I completely understand because I’m currently off medication as well and it’s hard but rewarding to see how your brain had come to handle situations. Sometimes I surprise myself and others..well I still feel a little shaky. If you ever struggle with anything specific and need advice, you can always ask πŸ™‚

  5. dragonballbree · December 4, 2013

    Karsyn, its bree, I love you so much and LOVE seeing how happy you are now with your new little family. It’s so crazy to watch something like this grow, now I know how people feel seeing me and Jose progress hahah. I think that Collin helping you without even trying is amazing, I definitely know the feeling, hope you’re having fun and be safe!

  6. TNB · December 4, 2013

    Hi Karsyn,

    I read your post and just wanted to share that I was in a similar place when I was your age (I’m almost 26 now). It took me a long time (mostly the development of physical illness) to discover that while I had some underlying issues stemming from childhood, and a particular personality type (highly empathetic INFJ that takes on other peoples’ stresses unknowingly; “highly sensitive person [great book, highly recommend]”), a huge trigger of my at times morbid anxiety was my diet. I discovered that I was gluten intolerant (different from Celiacs), and very sensitive to sugars and pseudo-sugars especially, like high-fructose corn syrup. I was a vegetarian from the age of 14, so most of what I ate was food I turn out to be sensitive to. Some of my worst triggers are milk, bananas, gluten of any kind, and caffeine, and those were all of my favorite things. When I cut them out of my diet, and started supplementing vitamins (particularly b-complex and zinc, because I was deficient) and only ate low-sugar fruits and the occasional treat very sparingly, it was seemingly miraculous — I had very little anxiety — the normal amount. And I found that I could deal with that with a fairly level head (of course, no one’s perfect, and no one can always deal with life cooly). I felt less like screaming and crying all of the time (so, less depressed). It’s not a cure-all; I know exercise and mindfulness have really helped to. There’s always work to be done. But anyway, I don’t know if this would turn out to be true for you, but I thought I’d share, because these life changes literally saved my life.

    I hope things continue to look up for you; you seem like a very genuine person.

  7. juneeffingcleaver · December 23, 2013

    I just want you to know how incredibly inspiring you are… I didn’t put my name, but I’m sure you can figure it out by my email address πŸ™‚ I have type 1 diabetes, and have struggled with diabulimia for a few years on and off. It’s been a rough road, and I know it will get better, thank you for being brave and telling your story.

  8. Ashley · January 2, 2014

    Karysn,

    I have depression and anxiety, and I wish I had an answer. It’s so nice to hear someone can be HAPPY; I am so desperate, I’ve tried every antidepressant under the sun with absolutely no luck in the course of a year and a half now. In fact I believe they made me worse. I have gone off of all medications and refuse to try anything that isn’t natural at this point. Medications are just evil. 😦 There’s only so much another person can do for me, my husband’s completely opposite personality used to be enough but now it just makes me even more anxious because I’m not better for him. Anyway, I don’t mean to be a debbie downer- I just wanted to share in hopes that you maybe had some good anxiety tips!
    btw, I met you on tour in Orlando, and you were the sweetest merch girl in the world ;)!

    • BlissBranch · January 2, 2014

      Hey Ashley! For me, I felt the same way about medications, until I surrendered because I realized that I wanted to BE better, not just feel better. I realized that it was worth it and that it was more of a struggle from day-to-day, scrambling for chamomile or the proper combination of B vitamins to take to possibly temporarily soothe my roaring mind. End of story, it was a chemical imbalance in my brain that caused my anxiety. Try as I might, I couldn’t naturally correct it, and try I did.

      I took a bum medicine and I felt worse. I got on the right medicine and it changed my life. It doesn’t mean that’s what will work for you because obviously you’re not okay with the idea of medication. I just don’t want you to feel like you’re weak or broken because other people suggest you need it. You’re not! If anything you’re smart for recognizing a problem and having the willingness to take the steps to change.

      Medication isn’t a permanent thing. I took medication for about nine months. Long enough for my brain to get a break from anxiety and learn the tools through psychotherapy to calm myself without them. I couldn’t learn those tools before because my brain felt like it was on fire. Does this make any sense? I hope some of this helps!

      • Ashley · January 20, 2014

        Wow I just saw this! It never updated me that you responded. I have the same thing, I chemical imbalance. I’m not against the idea of medicine it’s just of the 6 I tried all made me worse & not better. If you don’t mind me asking, which worked for you? It was the same thing with me as well, going on it because I wanted to BE better. The problem is none of them made me better, they worsened things. I began to feel so incredibly hopeless and even more depressed because if I was sick off of medications, and even worse on them, what choices do I have left? My dr prescribed me one most recently that put me into a position where I almost died because it’s effects caused me to get into a car accident. That is what made me decide to try the natural route again. I want to find the magical SSRI that will heal my brain, but I just have lost hope it’s out there. I’m just all around lost, Karsyn :(. I haven’t tried psychotherapy yet because I’m still in that depressed stage where I don’t want to do ANYTHING I don’t absolutely have to (basically go to work is all I do). Does it really work? I just want to be happy. Everyone around me thinks the medications just worsened things as well, and I wasn’t acting like myself. I don’t want that. Hopefully I will find happiness again one day, but for now I’m am stuck in this hopeless rut. Thank you for your sweet Inspiring reply. THIS is why I heart you ms Karsyn, and am enjoying emailing with you about your wedding (you do know I’m Ashley Lindstadt, right?). Please let me help in any way I can, I’ve just done the whole “wedding thing” πŸ˜› 6 months ago, and I could use the distraction :). You have helped me and id love to help you, starting with the donation I made tonight- WOOHOOOOO! πŸ˜πŸ’—

      • juneeffingcleaver · January 20, 2014

        Ashley, have you tried essential oils? It’s amazing what they can do, and have helped me so much. Feel free to email me if you’re interested in trying them πŸ™‚

  9. hramos2014 · January 18, 2014

    Okay absolutely loved reading your blog! & that picture in this post I can see my grandmas house! ☺️
    Congratulations on your engagement! I wish you two the best!

  10. Lauren · February 10, 2014

    Karsyn,
    It’s very courageous of you to open yourself up, not just to others (who, in fact, are complete strangers most of the time!) but to change, to self-discovery, to reflection, to healing, etc. I wanted to tell you that you’re a very brave young woman, and that I admire you for being so truthful (not that you need me to tell you these things, I’m positive that you’re already aware!). It’s honestly the most refreshing thing to sit in bed and read through your posts and the stories told by others about their own struggles -how infinitely human we all are! I too have had a rocky road learning how to cope with anxiety, sensitivity, trauma, deaths, self harming, heartache, depression, bpd II, medications…the whole kit and caboodle. And it took me a long time to find my self-worth through it all- thinking I was too sensitive for the rest of the world, feeling detached. I felt like I was incapable of being loved to my core, all of my messy parts included. Like you and many others have mentioned, it’s a process, one that doesn’t complete itself overnight. We must face ourselves, recognize the pieces we want to improve, and love ourselves unconditionally. I am so thankful for every painful feeling I’ve ever had, because without them I would’ve never been able to appreciate the good stuff so often and so truthfully as I do now. I hope you never lose this courage you so eloquently display, it is truly beautiful. My heart leaps for joy for you and Collin! Cherish one another always. Whenever you feel anxiety start to poke it’s little head out of the depths of your psyche, remember, you are yourself and no one else. Be proud of you, and be brave in the face of everything.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s